Buzz Kill

I would generally consider myself such a happy person, u know the type that doesn’t take most things too serious, but lately everything has decided to crumble

One of the biggest things that have been on my mind a WHOLE lot lately is the one and only Kyle. So we had a chat, and due to my own stupid actions, he suggested that we should take it down a notch and just be friends... I don’t even like typing those words...because they make me feel a million things all at once and I don’t think that’s a good thing. I keep asking myself impossible/stupid questions about the whole thing because I literally can’t just get everything out. It’s almost like I have so many things running through my head, and there all trying to come out at the same time, but by doing so, they all clash and can’t fit through that stupid exit that is my mind arrh.

I have never in my life been one to hold back, if I feel something I say it, if I have an opinion I will tell u, but for some reason all this has sorta taken hold of me, I am holding back, I am putting so much thought into the way I behave because I’m scared I will ultimately push HIM further away. I feel like I'm caged. It’s funny to actually think that my thoughts are calculated now....problem is..iv never been good at maths lol so I’m sure this is going to fuck me up somehow

I can’t make up my mind weather to be angry, sad, confused, disappointed, stupid or naive, maybe it’s a mixture of all of them, I don’t know, but for some reason I feel horrible about it

My mood has defiantly gotten better since we actually talked, but I dunno.. It just won’t seem to go away

I think a big part of it is not knowing the extent to which he feels about the whole situation, I’m in the dark about how much this is affecting him, and for some reason i think he’s getting on fine, I actually don’t think he’s thinking about this as much as i am, which makes me feel like a huge drama queen.

it feels weird not calling him or texting him or finding out what he’s doing and i want to so bad and i sit and wounder, does he actually feel the urge to contact me in that way, does he miss wanting to see me as much as i do him, does he go to bed thinking "hmm maybe ill just drop him a line" or "i wounder if he’s on skype", this is what i mean but not knowing how he’s thinking about the whole thing, about how its affecting him.

another big part of this whole thing, it how quickly it happened, literally over night, my thoughts can’t quite grasp the transition and its driving me nuts, I think this is the aspect of the whole thing that confuses me the most, the logical side of me develops theories as to why it could have happed so quick, maybe someone told him otherwise, maybe he thinks someone else from the past could offer him more, I don’t know and its driving me crazy.

my opinion of the guy will never change and there is no doubt in my mind that we will always be close friends, i will always think that he is amazing, adorable and mildly funny lol, the amount of care i have for him is indescribable, if the concept of caring and interest came in the form of money i would be loaded, i could retire today, quite uni and live happily ever after.

i think i showed a lot of emotion to him, and i didn’t want that, i don’t want to look weak or vulnerable - i don’t know why, i just don’t

there is however a silver lining, because we have decided to "break" or "cool it down", we have organised to meet after my uni exams (which I’m in the middle of) and see how things go. But until then I'm still going to be thinking about him, I guess I just can’t show it as much.

ok enough drama-queen -stupid-thoughts behaviour for one night lol

Peace