Demons

Empty. Isolated. Deserted. Weak. Raw

I stand here completely alone. There is no worse feeling.

The people I thought would be standing next to me are gone - the people that I do have could not comprehend the internal battle inside my mind.

My whole life I have been the rock, now it’s happening, something I thought would never occur. The rock is begging to crack.

I feel lost. I’m attacking myself. This must stop.

I feel I am facing my demons all at once, there strength is unbelievable, I am one person. How can I win?

I feel as though I am standing in the middle of a field, shrouded in darkness, I want someone to care, I want someone to reach out, but how can I expect that when I know the people that are the closest to me turn their backs.

The truth is ...no one can really help, which is scary. They can listen, they can understand, they can sympathise - but they can’t make it go away.

I refuse to talk out loud. I don’t want to be THAT person. I don’t want to be THAT guy with THOSE problems. It makes it harder. I don’t want to be a burden.

I refuse to throw the towel in. Not like them. I know the effects of that. It’s not an option.

I feel like I’m on my knees, cut up, bruised, attacked, ruined, angry, yelling into the darkness.

I’m insecure about myself - its changing - but that process is hard when u have no one. It’s even harder when they tell you it’s silly, useless.

I desire the stereotype. I want someone to focus on me. To care. To go out of there way to prove they care. To move me. Inside.

I want them to express how proud they are. In words

I want them to tell me they love me. It has gotten to the point where I can’t remember the last time I heard them say those words. That wound is deep. You have no idea how much that would mean to me. You have no idea how much that would lift me up. You have no idea.

Tears would run down my face. I question if they would reach out or stand at a distance and question what was wrong.

I don’t want to always rely on myself. I fear that would make me cold

There are those few. They’re the only source of light I can see. I value them beyond belief. Thank you.

I give. Possibly too much. Is it possible to find people that are as considerate?

It is true. Nice guys always finish last. Maybe if i knew what was wrong with me i could change it.

Sometimes people need others to hold their hands. Even if it is for a moment.

The mind can be your best friend and your greatest enemy. Nothing is stronger.

I doubt they have realised they have left. I don’t want to be forgettable.

Fairytale endings. Are they just a fairytale?

I’m over waiting. I can be told a million times that there is nothing wrong with me - are they being honest - or are these just words that are designed to put a smile on my face.

Do I enter the darkness?

It's much deeper than you will ever know

I have a plan.

Crystal Clear

You Tried.

You really did.

YOU used every fibre in your body to salvage something great.

Sarcasm. It’s a funny thing.

Just for You

It’s amazing.

It’s amazing how wrong people can be about others.

It’s amazing how misguided one can be when they are emotionally involved with someone.

It’s amazing how stupid someone can feel because they have realised they have completely misunderstood someone they thought they knew.


How dare you. How dare you try and attempt to make me feel responsible for actions of your own. How dare you think that my emotions/feelings/sense of self is something that u can freely play with. How dare YOU!

I went away from everything trying to give you SPACE, if you took that the wrong way that is your problem - not mine. EVERYTHING I have done was aimed towards dealing with our issues in a responsible adult manner, but you have proven to act nothing like an adult, you have done nothing but prove that you act like a stubborn child. Listen careful to this. GROW UP!

Your actions have proved one thing, that everything u said - the promises of friendship, your requests for telling each other everything, your passion for expression - are nothing but a lie, if you were sincere you would have at least tried, but you didn’t. I DID. I ALWAYS DID. Not this time. I tried only for it to be thrown in my face. You know as well as I do, that that particular action could possibly be the biggest insult you could have made.

I wont get an explanation, I won’t even get a response, just like you have been for the past 2 months - you will remain stubborn, silent and ignorant to the fact that you ruined a FRIENDSHIP with your own hands. NO ONE ELSES, not mine, not anyone.

I have stood by you the whole time we knew each other - you know that - yet here we are, the tables have turned and you are nowhere to be found. You wonder why i close myself in a shell, you wonder why it’s so hard to open up - you wanted me to warm to you, for what, so you could prove everything I found difficult with relationships to be true? So you could take that vulnerability and completely destroy it.

If this is based on the last encounter you had with me. Wake up to yourself. It was an issue that simply had NOTHING to do with me, ABSOULTY NOTHING. It was between you and another person. NOT ME. And I refuse to be made to feel guilty over actions that are not my own. In primary school, you are taught that you should take responsibility for your own actions. Ironic isn’t it. Ironic that your supposed to be teaching that.

Its absolutely sucks that you seem to throw meaningful words around like they are nothing. It sucks that the only person that has said that they are falling in love with me breaks, runs, and cracks at the first sign of pressure. I want you to know what I said was completely true. Your words are shrouded in doubt, and that sucks, BIG TIME.

I refuse to sit and think about this. I refuse to cry a single tear over this. I won’t. I can’t.

You talk about your admiration for people who fight for your attention/you - that was a slap in the face - there was NO ONE who fought for your attention as much as I did. You say we couldn’t be together because we lived so far apart, yet here we are, your in a relationship with someone who lives 20 minutes away from me. That must be convenient for you. You say the age difference was an issue. Why did you chase me? Why did you make me like you? To prove that you can let people down? Why do I seem to act and treat situations in a much more mature way than you? You say that we have different goals that we have to achieve. THAT should have nothing to do with a relationship. THAT should be something each respective person SUPPORTS each other with. So if every reason you gave me was a lie than I can only conclude that you didn’t have the balls to be honest with me, and most importantly with yourself.

I don’t regret getting involved with you - it has changed me for the better - I have experienced things that will happen again. With someone who means it.

I’m glad you have found someone that you, and I quote "will spend the rest of my life with" - despite coming to this conclusion 2 weeks after knowing him - I wish you the best - but when the honeymoon period ends, and your left with a reality that you can’t handle/deal with, then maybe you will realise how important a friendship can be. I wish i could say that you won’t let him down too - but history tends to repeat itself. But like I tried to explain to you. this is between US not me and him, therefore (like you should have done) ill drop the issue.

I should have listened to everyone. I should have listened INSTEAD of protesting and enforcing your positive qualities. Every single time it happened. Sticking up for you only made me look stupid and trust me, ill be more open to what people are telling me in the future, rather than being blinded by an illusion.

It pains me that you meant the world to me.

To know that you can put all this down to the notion of simply "not bothered for this" is pathetic, a joke even, when u look back, when you REALLY look back and see how hard i tried to salvage things, you will realise how selfish you sound. If you need proof - read that letter i sent you for your birthday. The thought of that only infuriates me because i still mean what i wrote in it.

i told you not to say those words unless you meant it. how foolish can you be if u mistook love for affection. Making that mistake more than once in your life will cost you more than you imagine. That’s not my problem.

How DARE YOU simply compare me to some silly teenager who has no understanding of their emotional wellbeing? How dare you compare me to someone that is recognised for there immaturity. YOU know better. YOU coped out. YOU let me down. Who is acting like the child? The one who fought to save something or the one who "can’t be bothered" and shows stubborn qualities. What you said was nothing but a cheap shot, and it seems that cheap shots are your solution to not facing the real problem.

Because u simply don’t care, does not mean I’m meaningless, and I refuse to feel that way. Be extremely careful with words - there impacts can be far beyond what you can comprehend.

I don’t know if this whole thing is a result of your insecurities, but if the realisation and desire you have to kiss me WHILE your with the person your prepared to "spend the rest of your life with" is too much for you to handle - than again - that’s not my problem - if you for ONE SECOND thought that I would just be someone you could turn to for "fun" - that makes you look like an idiot. To have that desire can’t be healthy for what you already have, can it? - And you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.

I would not have even gotten an answer out of you if I did not make the first move. if I had not asked you to explain I would still be sitting here oblivious and questioning what the fuck happened. So while this silly "teenager" has proven to be more man than you, he has also gotten closure. Something that will preserve and slowly repair his mentality.

if I seen you on the street, i would not hesitate to say hi, because I’m above the childish issues that YOUR having, but as you wished, we can take the easy way out, because we wouldn’t want you to have to care - that would just be too hard, right? - We will do what YOU requested and part ways.

Let me give you some advice

When you apologise to someone, don’t follow it up with a sentence that still implies u don’t care, it’s a contradiction. However I accept it.

THINK LONG and HARD about what happened, think about how you took the tiniest issue and used it as an excuse to get out. Think about how you could not recognise the efforts of others, but rather focused on yourself. Think about how u speaksto people; think about the words you use.

I have done my thinking.

I’m going to leave this situation a much bigger person.

I’m done.