So here we are..

So here we are.

The last place, the last time, the last opportunity for us to be together. Words want to spill out, but they won’t.

How do you say goodbye when you don’t want to?
How do you say goodbye when all you want is for them not to be alone?

I can’t leave you to fight this on your own. To walk away and turn my head and see you there. alone. I would not wish that on my worst enemy.

How do you prepare to let go?

I am scared. I am scared of letting go of your hand, I am scared of knowing that your slipping away. I am scared for the person I might become.

Recovery is a long process. Who you might become at the end of it is a worrying thought.

To be alone with you in that room is an experience. To hear the constant beeps of the machines. To see you in pain. To know my time is limited. Kills me inside.

I want to do more. I want everything to go back to normal. It won’t. I can’t.

Tears now run down my face. I am lost. To see you - reminds me. It reminds me of the things I haven’t dealt with. It becomes a vicious cycle.

I feel like life is designed to constantly test me. You begin to doubt yourself. Iv done this before, it gets worse not better. How much more can I possibly take? How many more blows can i handle?

We all surround you, holding you, making sure you know were here. To be asked to say my final goodbyes destroys me.

To watch your daughter refuse to let go, deepens the wounds I already have. I will take care of her. I promise.

The pressure is immense. I’m exhausted. I’m trying. If I don’t who will?

To come home, alone, and sit in a room in silence, is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. To cry yourself asleep provides your only outlet.

I want someone to throw their arms around my head and just let me cry. Someone to tell me that one day it WILL be ok. I know I’m strong...but I’m not invincible.

This is a different journey for me. No one knows what it’s like.

Goodbye makes it permanent. Goodbye makes it too real.

Continue..

Quick update on the previous post..

so mr deadshit decides he wants to get friendly and asks to see what i look like (you know..because a picture isnt clear enough, anyway i turn on my webcam to humour myself).

The exact conversation (FYI - Ryan = Deadshit):


Ryan says:
yay
stand up

E:::.. says:
why?

Ryan says:
do it lol

E :::.. says:
again...why?

Ryan says:
i wanna see u

E :::.. says:
wait...
give me like..
2 mins to sort this shit out ok.
ok..
so if you were in a club
and you were talking to a guy
would you seriously
tell them to stand in front of you (like the queen you are)
and you would give them the whole "head up and down thing"
i mean ..i know we all do it..but fuck people like you cant be fussy...i mean look at your head

Ryan says:
?

E :::.. says:
oh chirst, its like talking to retarded brick wall

Ryan says:
yeah, but just stand up
like this

*at this point he presents his bulge to me - and as im sure you can all tell, im thrilled with sexual excitement - because you know... a tiny bulge in a girl-mans pants is hot*


E :::.. says:
and how often does that work for you..
because that is the most unattractive thing i have ever seen in my life

Ryan says:
huh?
why

E :::.. says:
becuase i usually prefer cocks on men
not boys with enough hair to flick it around and say shit like "o.m.g"
go comb your hair.
then stick the brush up your ass.

*conversation end*

I am well aware that I sound like a prick. I dont care.

Knock Knock

What the fuck is wrong with some people.

to all the deadshit people on my msn list who insist on saying hi and then not ACTUALLY being able to talk. go die.

e.g

deadshit: hey
me: hey, hows it going
deadshit: good...
*awkward silence*

WTF is that... why would u stop there? why did u start the conversation in the first place?

idiots.

Crazy Lesbian

My sister is currently downstairs going through my fridge because she is poor.

I’m going to kill her.

She has been here for a total of 10 mins and she has ripped out my car stereo to replace it with a new one only to realise she has NO idea what she is doing, then dented my car door with hers

I questioned where she got the "new CD player" and she eventually told me it was stolen - she’s special right

She is now cooking the food I have to live off for this month

This bitch is a crazy lesbian...normal people don’t fuck with her..I’m not normal



Edit: I have now gone downstairs - i have a missing house key and a bunch of cleaning products taken. stupid bitch will die.

You know your lazy when..

The other day I went to the toilet. Don’t worry I’m going to spare you the details.

Anyway so when I finish my adventures, I decide that pulling my pants up is way more work than it needs to be.

So instead..

I washed my hands and waddled/jumped back to my room with my pants around my ankles. This journey involved crossing my hallway.

I’m officially too lazy to pull up my pants and I love it!

Look at the Gay Boy!

So on Monday and Tuesday, for some odd reason, my new "boss" decided to apply a whole lot of trust and responsibility to myself.

That’s right kids...I was asked to babysit a sick child. My previous post mentioned that I’m sick. Making the connection yet? That little shit!

So the brief included: be there at 8:30am (fuck) and u stay till 6am, you have to cook dinner (fuck) and watch him the whole time (double fuck)

I mean let’s face it, I’m not responsible enough to cater for someone else's life, I can handle my own brothers and sister, but that’s only because they fear me...I mean respect me...*awkward*

Anyway so day 1 - I get there 30 mins late which means that the other kid (who I had to take care of later) is late for school and his father is freaking out. I walk through the door like everything is ok. meh haha

Anyway so I make my way over to the kid, he is sitting in the lounge room with his eyes locked onto the TV. Just to make my life easier, let’s call him Darren. So little Darren is sitting in the lounge room, I walk in and for that split second we lock eyes. It was almost like he was trying to tell me "this shit is on" - in those exact words. Turns out it wasn’t that bad.

So I make my way over to the couch and sit next to him and watch TV in silence. he begins to talk to me (this kid seemed absolutely fine btw - he has obviously worked out how to lie to his parents about being sick) and he says "do u know what I’m watching" I reply bluntly (I was tired, deal with it) "no" to which he replied "it’s a show about people who ride horses, my brother and me watch it all the time" so I reply "that’s incredibly cool" he continues "yea, my brother watches it because of all the girls on the horses because he has like...3 girlfriends...but I like it because of all the boys on the horses"

It is at this point that my brain wakes up and I become extremely interested in this kid. I’m thinking "omg...this kid could be gay" anyway so I begin to make actual conversation to explore this notion further. "So..Darren..why don’t you have a girlfriend" (F.Y.I this kid is like 7 years old) he responded with, and I shit you not, "I don’t want to have a girlfriend, when I grow up I’m going to marry my brother"

DING DING DING ladies and gentlemen we have a winner.

So we turn to watch the TV again, and I’m texting on my phone for some form of social activity. the kid begins to get closer and is talking to me, I can’t tell you what he was saying because I wasn’t listening, I was screaming in my head "OMG OMG OMG HES BREATHING ON ME - IM GOING TO GET SICK"

So while he is talking I’m texting my friend to research his illness to tell me how contagious it is. She was sleeping. I was freaking out.

Flash forward 2 days later. the kid didn’t move from the couch because I told him that he must "rest" despite him not actually being sick, I now know everything about "Ben 10", we have a new member batting for our team, I’m a lot richer and have caught the spawns disease.

Home Alone....

Its official.

It’s official.

THE PARENTS HAVE LEFT THE BUILDING

Minor setback: I’m sick!

BUT I managed to go straight to the doctor when I thought this was happening and now I’m currently pumping my body with drugs. Does it matter I’m washing it down with beer? woops haha

When this disease dies I’m so going out and getting my flirt on :-D

Then making this mansion an open house!

FUCK YEA for good times.

Profile Pictures. Fail

Last year, during my second semester of uni - accounting to be specific, I remember my extremely overweight lecturer explaining that when people join a dating site they want to put their BEST picture up in order to sell themselves, I forgot why he was telling us this, probably to compare it to some accounting concept....hmm...come to think of it...that’s why I probably failed..meh.

ANYWAY it has come to my attention that some people are extremely bad at this...I will now present the following fails within the dating/social networking society - to all included - I have this to say - WTF were u thinking!?

COME ON...are u serious... the Borat "mankini"...even if your main objective IS SEX...ARE U FUCKING SERIOUS!...your small penis being constricted is NOT HOT! haha

I get some people may have a thing for this...but let's face it..those people are a minority..cover that shit up.

Yes my friends, believe it or not... this IS a boy...

Despite this person being "ready willing and able to have fun with u" I’m somehow still not attracted..

Now..I know I’m not perfect..in fact FAR from it..but there comes a point where u seriously have to say to yourself...WTF is wrong with some people.