What does one do when they can’t do anything?
Sitting on nothing more than suspicion, you begin to do your head in. Develop theories, make excuses, lie to yourself... just so it makes sense, just so you know there must be some logic behind it.
Scared. Worried. Two feelings that create one violent cocktail of emotion.
I know something is wrong, you forget I can read u quite well..at least I thought I could. I can’t walk away...I don’t think that was even a possibility.
I remember...long ago...I made you a promise. I told you I would never leave. No matter how hard it got, I was going to always be there. Do you remember?..How often do people tell you that? How rare is it? How valuable?
I know what’s on the surface. I’ve heard you tell me.
But there is something deeper. Something Bigger.
I have always taken comfort knowing I’m not walking down this road on my own.
It scares me how quickly you can forget. I don’t want to be tangible.
The silence is the worst part. I can’t see through a closed door.
This is but a mere bump, I know that, but still... its strong enough to leave you scattered.
Take a step back...one tiny step..and stand there.
We will be fine.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Time Goes On...
It's amazing how much can happen in a year.
It's even more amazing how easily you can forget all those things that have happened until u sit down and really think about it. Lost Love. Lost Chances. Wrong Choices. Right Choices.
Memories are indeed a double edge sword. Like candy they often range from sweet to sour.
You have those moments where your speeding through life, taking each day as it comes and then it happens...your stopped by something small, something you totally forgot existed, but there is it is, sitting right in front of you. A picture, a number, a message, a letter, a name...
It’s funny how something so small, and probably insignificant to the rest of the world, can stop you in your tracks for that split second. Long enough for you to remember. Maybe its life's way of keeping you grounded....
It's even more amazing how easily you can forget all those things that have happened until u sit down and really think about it. Lost Love. Lost Chances. Wrong Choices. Right Choices.
Memories are indeed a double edge sword. Like candy they often range from sweet to sour.
You have those moments where your speeding through life, taking each day as it comes and then it happens...your stopped by something small, something you totally forgot existed, but there is it is, sitting right in front of you. A picture, a number, a message, a letter, a name...
It’s funny how something so small, and probably insignificant to the rest of the world, can stop you in your tracks for that split second. Long enough for you to remember. Maybe its life's way of keeping you grounded....
Friday, September 4, 2009
Conversation
With my sister.
Me: How do i look?
Sister: You look like a well dressed gay, how come i cant be a well dressed gay?
Me: Because your a lesbian...
the next 5 mins was just us swearing at each other.
Me: How do i look?
Sister: You look like a well dressed gay, how come i cant be a well dressed gay?
Me: Because your a lesbian...
the next 5 mins was just us swearing at each other.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Conversation
An actual conversation heard on the public transport of Sydney
Girl: I was thinking about going to the beach tomorrow
Friend: Oh really?
Girl: Yea, but i'm not sure what time it opens..
idiots.
Girl: I was thinking about going to the beach tomorrow
Friend: Oh really?
Girl: Yea, but i'm not sure what time it opens..
idiots.
Monday, August 24, 2009
The Black Sheep
Thoughts Un-describable. Scattered.
THAT feeling is missed. The last piece of the puzzle is lost.
Expression is difficult. Self doubt sets in. The attacks begin.
Surrounded. Everywhere you turn you see it. You notice that you’re the only one - the black sheep.
What are you doing wrong?
The truth is hidden. A smile becomes the mask. At night, your head laying on that pillow, sleeping is a struggle - it always is, that lie, that simple lie, will consume you, eat you alive, because you know the truth, you know that that last piece of the puzzle, the piece that is lost, is the most important piece. Picture incomplete.
Happiness for the ones you care for most, yet at the back of your head your wonder: "When"
Sitting at a table. Stories Shared. What can you offer?
THAT feeling is missed. The last piece of the puzzle is lost.
Expression is difficult. Self doubt sets in. The attacks begin.
Surrounded. Everywhere you turn you see it. You notice that you’re the only one - the black sheep.
What are you doing wrong?
The truth is hidden. A smile becomes the mask. At night, your head laying on that pillow, sleeping is a struggle - it always is, that lie, that simple lie, will consume you, eat you alive, because you know the truth, you know that that last piece of the puzzle, the piece that is lost, is the most important piece. Picture incomplete.
Happiness for the ones you care for most, yet at the back of your head your wonder: "When"
Sitting at a table. Stories Shared. What can you offer?
Friday, August 14, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Speed Bump
Just when you think you’re able to get back on your feet
You’re dealt a few more blows that represent the icing on the cake
It’s funny when you think about it. You find someone that meets the criteria. Ticks all the boxes. That passes all the tests...yet there are always complications. I doubt it will ever be simple. Fair enough.
Get back on your feet. Pat the dust of your jeans and move on - right?
Easier said than done.
You’re dealt a few more blows that represent the icing on the cake
It’s funny when you think about it. You find someone that meets the criteria. Ticks all the boxes. That passes all the tests...yet there are always complications. I doubt it will ever be simple. Fair enough.
Get back on your feet. Pat the dust of your jeans and move on - right?
Easier said than done.
Monday, July 27, 2009
So here we are..
So here we are.
The last place, the last time, the last opportunity for us to be together. Words want to spill out, but they won’t.
How do you say goodbye when you don’t want to?
How do you say goodbye when all you want is for them not to be alone?
I can’t leave you to fight this on your own. To walk away and turn my head and see you there. alone. I would not wish that on my worst enemy.
How do you prepare to let go?
I am scared. I am scared of letting go of your hand, I am scared of knowing that your slipping away. I am scared for the person I might become.
Recovery is a long process. Who you might become at the end of it is a worrying thought.
To be alone with you in that room is an experience. To hear the constant beeps of the machines. To see you in pain. To know my time is limited. Kills me inside.
I want to do more. I want everything to go back to normal. It won’t. I can’t.
Tears now run down my face. I am lost. To see you - reminds me. It reminds me of the things I haven’t dealt with. It becomes a vicious cycle.
I feel like life is designed to constantly test me. You begin to doubt yourself. Iv done this before, it gets worse not better. How much more can I possibly take? How many more blows can i handle?
We all surround you, holding you, making sure you know were here. To be asked to say my final goodbyes destroys me.
To watch your daughter refuse to let go, deepens the wounds I already have. I will take care of her. I promise.
The pressure is immense. I’m exhausted. I’m trying. If I don’t who will?
To come home, alone, and sit in a room in silence, is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. To cry yourself asleep provides your only outlet.
I want someone to throw their arms around my head and just let me cry. Someone to tell me that one day it WILL be ok. I know I’m strong...but I’m not invincible.
This is a different journey for me. No one knows what it’s like.
Goodbye makes it permanent. Goodbye makes it too real.
The last place, the last time, the last opportunity for us to be together. Words want to spill out, but they won’t.
How do you say goodbye when you don’t want to?
How do you say goodbye when all you want is for them not to be alone?
I can’t leave you to fight this on your own. To walk away and turn my head and see you there. alone. I would not wish that on my worst enemy.
How do you prepare to let go?
I am scared. I am scared of letting go of your hand, I am scared of knowing that your slipping away. I am scared for the person I might become.
Recovery is a long process. Who you might become at the end of it is a worrying thought.
To be alone with you in that room is an experience. To hear the constant beeps of the machines. To see you in pain. To know my time is limited. Kills me inside.
I want to do more. I want everything to go back to normal. It won’t. I can’t.
Tears now run down my face. I am lost. To see you - reminds me. It reminds me of the things I haven’t dealt with. It becomes a vicious cycle.
I feel like life is designed to constantly test me. You begin to doubt yourself. Iv done this before, it gets worse not better. How much more can I possibly take? How many more blows can i handle?
We all surround you, holding you, making sure you know were here. To be asked to say my final goodbyes destroys me.
To watch your daughter refuse to let go, deepens the wounds I already have. I will take care of her. I promise.
The pressure is immense. I’m exhausted. I’m trying. If I don’t who will?
To come home, alone, and sit in a room in silence, is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. To cry yourself asleep provides your only outlet.
I want someone to throw their arms around my head and just let me cry. Someone to tell me that one day it WILL be ok. I know I’m strong...but I’m not invincible.
This is a different journey for me. No one knows what it’s like.
Goodbye makes it permanent. Goodbye makes it too real.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Continue..
Quick update on the previous post..
so mr deadshit decides he wants to get friendly and asks to see what i look like (you know..because a picture isnt clear enough, anyway i turn on my webcam to humour myself).
The exact conversation (FYI - Ryan = Deadshit):
Ryan says:
yay
stand up
E:::.. says:
why?
Ryan says:
do it lol
E :::.. says:
again...why?
Ryan says:
i wanna see u
E :::.. says:
wait...
give me like..
2 mins to sort this shit out ok.
ok..
so if you were in a club
and you were talking to a guy
would you seriously
tell them to stand in front of you (like the queen you are)
and you would give them the whole "head up and down thing"
i mean ..i know we all do it..but fuck people like you cant be fussy...i mean look at your head
Ryan says:
?
E :::.. says:
oh chirst, its like talking to retarded brick wall
Ryan says:
yeah, but just stand up
like this
*at this point he presents his bulge to me - and as im sure you can all tell, im thrilled with sexual excitement - because you know... a tiny bulge in a girl-mans pants is hot*
E :::.. says:
and how often does that work for you..
because that is the most unattractive thing i have ever seen in my life
Ryan says:
huh?
why
E :::.. says:
becuase i usually prefer cocks on men
not boys with enough hair to flick it around and say shit like "o.m.g"
go comb your hair.
then stick the brush up your ass.
*conversation end*
I am well aware that I sound like a prick. I dont care.
so mr deadshit decides he wants to get friendly and asks to see what i look like (you know..because a picture isnt clear enough, anyway i turn on my webcam to humour myself).
The exact conversation (FYI - Ryan = Deadshit):
Ryan says:
yay
stand up
E:::.. says:
why?
Ryan says:
do it lol
E :::.. says:
again...why?
Ryan says:
i wanna see u
E :::.. says:
wait...
give me like..
2 mins to sort this shit out ok.
ok..
so if you were in a club
and you were talking to a guy
would you seriously
tell them to stand in front of you (like the queen you are)
and you would give them the whole "head up and down thing"
i mean ..i know we all do it..but fuck people like you cant be fussy...i mean look at your head
Ryan says:
?
E :::.. says:
oh chirst, its like talking to retarded brick wall
Ryan says:
yeah, but just stand up
like this
*at this point he presents his bulge to me - and as im sure you can all tell, im thrilled with sexual excitement - because you know... a tiny bulge in a girl-mans pants is hot*
E :::.. says:
and how often does that work for you..
because that is the most unattractive thing i have ever seen in my life
Ryan says:
huh?
why
E :::.. says:
becuase i usually prefer cocks on men
not boys with enough hair to flick it around and say shit like "o.m.g"
go comb your hair.
then stick the brush up your ass.
*conversation end*
I am well aware that I sound like a prick. I dont care.
Knock Knock
What the fuck is wrong with some people.
to all the deadshit people on my msn list who insist on saying hi and then not ACTUALLY being able to talk. go die.
e.g
deadshit: hey
me: hey, hows it going
deadshit: good...
*awkward silence*
WTF is that... why would u stop there? why did u start the conversation in the first place?
idiots.
to all the deadshit people on my msn list who insist on saying hi and then not ACTUALLY being able to talk. go die.
e.g
deadshit: hey
me: hey, hows it going
deadshit: good...
*awkward silence*
WTF is that... why would u stop there? why did u start the conversation in the first place?
idiots.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Crazy Lesbian
My sister is currently downstairs going through my fridge because she is poor.
I’m going to kill her.
She has been here for a total of 10 mins and she has ripped out my car stereo to replace it with a new one only to realise she has NO idea what she is doing, then dented my car door with hers
I questioned where she got the "new CD player" and she eventually told me it was stolen - she’s special right
She is now cooking the food I have to live off for this month
This bitch is a crazy lesbian...normal people don’t fuck with her..I’m not normal
Edit: I have now gone downstairs - i have a missing house key and a bunch of cleaning products taken. stupid bitch will die.
I’m going to kill her.
She has been here for a total of 10 mins and she has ripped out my car stereo to replace it with a new one only to realise she has NO idea what she is doing, then dented my car door with hers
I questioned where she got the "new CD player" and she eventually told me it was stolen - she’s special right
She is now cooking the food I have to live off for this month
This bitch is a crazy lesbian...normal people don’t fuck with her..I’m not normal
Edit: I have now gone downstairs - i have a missing house key and a bunch of cleaning products taken. stupid bitch will die.
You know your lazy when..
The other day I went to the toilet. Don’t worry I’m going to spare you the details.
Anyway so when I finish my adventures, I decide that pulling my pants up is way more work than it needs to be.
So instead..
I washed my hands and waddled/jumped back to my room with my pants around my ankles. This journey involved crossing my hallway.
I’m officially too lazy to pull up my pants and I love it!
Anyway so when I finish my adventures, I decide that pulling my pants up is way more work than it needs to be.
So instead..
I washed my hands and waddled/jumped back to my room with my pants around my ankles. This journey involved crossing my hallway.
I’m officially too lazy to pull up my pants and I love it!
Look at the Gay Boy!
So on Monday and Tuesday, for some odd reason, my new "boss" decided to apply a whole lot of trust and responsibility to myself.
That’s right kids...I was asked to babysit a sick child. My previous post mentioned that I’m sick. Making the connection yet? That little shit!
So the brief included: be there at 8:30am (fuck) and u stay till 6am, you have to cook dinner (fuck) and watch him the whole time (double fuck)
I mean let’s face it, I’m not responsible enough to cater for someone else's life, I can handle my own brothers and sister, but that’s only because they fear me...I mean respect me...*awkward*
Anyway so day 1 - I get there 30 mins late which means that the other kid (who I had to take care of later) is late for school and his father is freaking out. I walk through the door like everything is ok. meh haha
Anyway so I make my way over to the kid, he is sitting in the lounge room with his eyes locked onto the TV. Just to make my life easier, let’s call him Darren. So little Darren is sitting in the lounge room, I walk in and for that split second we lock eyes. It was almost like he was trying to tell me "this shit is on" - in those exact words. Turns out it wasn’t that bad.
So I make my way over to the couch and sit next to him and watch TV in silence. he begins to talk to me (this kid seemed absolutely fine btw - he has obviously worked out how to lie to his parents about being sick) and he says "do u know what I’m watching" I reply bluntly (I was tired, deal with it) "no" to which he replied "it’s a show about people who ride horses, my brother and me watch it all the time" so I reply "that’s incredibly cool" he continues "yea, my brother watches it because of all the girls on the horses because he has like...3 girlfriends...but I like it because of all the boys on the horses"
It is at this point that my brain wakes up and I become extremely interested in this kid. I’m thinking "omg...this kid could be gay" anyway so I begin to make actual conversation to explore this notion further. "So..Darren..why don’t you have a girlfriend" (F.Y.I this kid is like 7 years old) he responded with, and I shit you not, "I don’t want to have a girlfriend, when I grow up I’m going to marry my brother"
DING DING DING ladies and gentlemen we have a winner.
So we turn to watch the TV again, and I’m texting on my phone for some form of social activity. the kid begins to get closer and is talking to me, I can’t tell you what he was saying because I wasn’t listening, I was screaming in my head "OMG OMG OMG HES BREATHING ON ME - IM GOING TO GET SICK"
So while he is talking I’m texting my friend to research his illness to tell me how contagious it is. She was sleeping. I was freaking out.
Flash forward 2 days later. the kid didn’t move from the couch because I told him that he must "rest" despite him not actually being sick, I now know everything about "Ben 10", we have a new member batting for our team, I’m a lot richer and have caught the spawns disease.
That’s right kids...I was asked to babysit a sick child. My previous post mentioned that I’m sick. Making the connection yet? That little shit!
So the brief included: be there at 8:30am (fuck) and u stay till 6am, you have to cook dinner (fuck) and watch him the whole time (double fuck)
I mean let’s face it, I’m not responsible enough to cater for someone else's life, I can handle my own brothers and sister, but that’s only because they fear me...I mean respect me...*awkward*
Anyway so day 1 - I get there 30 mins late which means that the other kid (who I had to take care of later) is late for school and his father is freaking out. I walk through the door like everything is ok. meh haha
Anyway so I make my way over to the kid, he is sitting in the lounge room with his eyes locked onto the TV. Just to make my life easier, let’s call him Darren. So little Darren is sitting in the lounge room, I walk in and for that split second we lock eyes. It was almost like he was trying to tell me "this shit is on" - in those exact words. Turns out it wasn’t that bad.
So I make my way over to the couch and sit next to him and watch TV in silence. he begins to talk to me (this kid seemed absolutely fine btw - he has obviously worked out how to lie to his parents about being sick) and he says "do u know what I’m watching" I reply bluntly (I was tired, deal with it) "no" to which he replied "it’s a show about people who ride horses, my brother and me watch it all the time" so I reply "that’s incredibly cool" he continues "yea, my brother watches it because of all the girls on the horses because he has like...3 girlfriends...but I like it because of all the boys on the horses"
It is at this point that my brain wakes up and I become extremely interested in this kid. I’m thinking "omg...this kid could be gay" anyway so I begin to make actual conversation to explore this notion further. "So..Darren..why don’t you have a girlfriend" (F.Y.I this kid is like 7 years old) he responded with, and I shit you not, "I don’t want to have a girlfriend, when I grow up I’m going to marry my brother"
DING DING DING ladies and gentlemen we have a winner.
So we turn to watch the TV again, and I’m texting on my phone for some form of social activity. the kid begins to get closer and is talking to me, I can’t tell you what he was saying because I wasn’t listening, I was screaming in my head "OMG OMG OMG HES BREATHING ON ME - IM GOING TO GET SICK"
So while he is talking I’m texting my friend to research his illness to tell me how contagious it is. She was sleeping. I was freaking out.
Flash forward 2 days later. the kid didn’t move from the couch because I told him that he must "rest" despite him not actually being sick, I now know everything about "Ben 10", we have a new member batting for our team, I’m a lot richer and have caught the spawns disease.
Home Alone....
Its official.
It’s official.
THE PARENTS HAVE LEFT THE BUILDING
Minor setback: I’m sick!
BUT I managed to go straight to the doctor when I thought this was happening and now I’m currently pumping my body with drugs. Does it matter I’m washing it down with beer? woops haha
When this disease dies I’m so going out and getting my flirt on :-D
Then making this mansion an open house!
FUCK YEA for good times.
It’s official.
THE PARENTS HAVE LEFT THE BUILDING
Minor setback: I’m sick!
BUT I managed to go straight to the doctor when I thought this was happening and now I’m currently pumping my body with drugs. Does it matter I’m washing it down with beer? woops haha
When this disease dies I’m so going out and getting my flirt on :-D
Then making this mansion an open house!
FUCK YEA for good times.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Profile Pictures. Fail
Last year, during my second semester of uni - accounting to be specific, I remember my extremely overweight lecturer explaining that when people join a dating site they want to put their BEST picture up in order to sell themselves, I forgot why he was telling us this, probably to compare it to some accounting concept....hmm...come to think of it...that’s why I probably failed..meh.
Yes my friends, believe it or not... this IS a boy...
ANYWAY it has come to my attention that some people are extremely bad at this...I will now present the following fails within the dating/social networking society - to all included - I have this to say - WTF were u thinking!?
COME ON...are u serious... the Borat "mankini"...even if your main objective IS SEX...ARE U FUCKING SERIOUS!...your small penis being constricted is NOT HOT! haha
I get some people may have a thing for this...but let's face it..those people are a minority..cover that shit up.
Yes my friends, believe it or not... this IS a boy...
Despite this person being "ready willing and able to have fun with u" I’m somehow still not attracted..
Now..I know I’m not perfect..in fact FAR from it..but there comes a point where u seriously have to say to yourself...WTF is wrong with some people.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Realisation...
So I decided to test the waters of coming out to my mother this afternoon.
She told me to "go find yourself a girlfriend" i replied with "what if I don’t want a girlfriend" to which I got the response "then that makes you a poofter"
I continue to push the limit of this discussion with "what if I am a poofter huh!" - by this time things should have been VERY clear, at least I would have thought so.
I got the reply "if you’re a poofter then I will disown you"
In a period of 5 mins every piece of my internal being was shattered.
The icing on the cake...everybody seems too busy to listen.
Great. I guess at this point, self reliance in my only option.
She told me to "go find yourself a girlfriend" i replied with "what if I don’t want a girlfriend" to which I got the response "then that makes you a poofter"
I continue to push the limit of this discussion with "what if I am a poofter huh!" - by this time things should have been VERY clear, at least I would have thought so.
I got the reply "if you’re a poofter then I will disown you"
In a period of 5 mins every piece of my internal being was shattered.
The icing on the cake...everybody seems too busy to listen.
Great. I guess at this point, self reliance in my only option.
Twisted..
Its pathetic when one tries to shift blame.
Observing someone clearly unable to accept that THEY have done something wrong and watching them try to paint a picture of there innocence...is ...well...sad.
Its also confusing.
Its funny how when u request something and you get it, that you can change your mind and realise that its not what you wanted at all. I guess some things arnt like a refundable purchase.
Observing someone clearly unable to accept that THEY have done something wrong and watching them try to paint a picture of there innocence...is ...well...sad.
Its also confusing.
Its funny how when u request something and you get it, that you can change your mind and realise that its not what you wanted at all. I guess some things arnt like a refundable purchase.
Monday, June 15, 2009
I Dream...
I dream of the day when my body transforms...
I dream of the day when I have someone to throw my arms around them while they cook. Or vice versa.
I dream of the day when someone cares enough...
I dream of the day where I discover my independence..
I dream of the day when I make myself happy..
I dream of the day where one person, just one, will take interest in me. no strings. no lies.
I dream of the day when I get my spark back...
I dream of the day when someone, anyone, will take my hand, give me a hug, and tell me it WILL be ok.
I dream of the day when THEY find out. Is that just a dream?
I dream of the day when someone is able to see through the mask..
I dream of the day when someone will hold my hand under the covers and kiss me goodnight..
I dream of the day when my birthday is about me, not the problems surrounding me..
I dream of the day when I can explore and experience what it means to be gay..
I dream of the day when I think I have more to offer..
I dream of the day where someone will wipe the tear on my face..
I dream of the day where I’m not scared...
I dream of the day I can see the change..
I dream of the day, just one single day, where I can be a little selfish..
I dream of the day where I can attract the people I like..
I dream of the day where I can work all day and still go out somewhere nice at night with mates
I dream of the day when someone thinks I'M the one who is lucky...
Maybe I dream...too much...?
I dream of the day when I have someone to throw my arms around them while they cook. Or vice versa.
I dream of the day when someone cares enough...
I dream of the day where I discover my independence..
I dream of the day when I make myself happy..
I dream of the day where one person, just one, will take interest in me. no strings. no lies.
I dream of the day when I get my spark back...
I dream of the day when someone, anyone, will take my hand, give me a hug, and tell me it WILL be ok.
I dream of the day when THEY find out. Is that just a dream?
I dream of the day when someone is able to see through the mask..
I dream of the day when someone will hold my hand under the covers and kiss me goodnight..
I dream of the day when my birthday is about me, not the problems surrounding me..
I dream of the day when I can explore and experience what it means to be gay..
I dream of the day when I think I have more to offer..
I dream of the day where someone will wipe the tear on my face..
I dream of the day where I’m not scared...
I dream of the day I can see the change..
I dream of the day, just one single day, where I can be a little selfish..
I dream of the day where I can attract the people I like..
I dream of the day where I can work all day and still go out somewhere nice at night with mates
I dream of the day when someone thinks I'M the one who is lucky...
Maybe I dream...too much...?
Friday, June 12, 2009
One Step, Two Step...
Im currently sitting here feeling so amazingly constricted its unbelivable!
Today my plan begins - i have forgotten what is feels like to be, what i like to call "indepently amazing"- that is making myself happy.
Im not sure if im prepared for the setbacks, i know their comming - but there is only forward from here. Im doing this.
Today my plan begins - i have forgotten what is feels like to be, what i like to call "indepently amazing"- that is making myself happy.
Im not sure if im prepared for the setbacks, i know their comming - but there is only forward from here. Im doing this.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Demons
Empty. Isolated. Deserted. Weak. Raw
I stand here completely alone. There is no worse feeling.
The people I thought would be standing next to me are gone - the people that I do have could not comprehend the internal battle inside my mind.
My whole life I have been the rock, now it’s happening, something I thought would never occur. The rock is begging to crack.
I feel lost. I’m attacking myself. This must stop.
I feel I am facing my demons all at once, there strength is unbelievable, I am one person. How can I win?
I feel as though I am standing in the middle of a field, shrouded in darkness, I want someone to care, I want someone to reach out, but how can I expect that when I know the people that are the closest to me turn their backs.
The truth is ...no one can really help, which is scary. They can listen, they can understand, they can sympathise - but they can’t make it go away.
I refuse to talk out loud. I don’t want to be THAT person. I don’t want to be THAT guy with THOSE problems. It makes it harder. I don’t want to be a burden.
I refuse to throw the towel in. Not like them. I know the effects of that. It’s not an option.
I feel like I’m on my knees, cut up, bruised, attacked, ruined, angry, yelling into the darkness.
I’m insecure about myself - its changing - but that process is hard when u have no one. It’s even harder when they tell you it’s silly, useless.
I desire the stereotype. I want someone to focus on me. To care. To go out of there way to prove they care. To move me. Inside.
I want them to express how proud they are. In words
I want them to tell me they love me. It has gotten to the point where I can’t remember the last time I heard them say those words. That wound is deep. You have no idea how much that would mean to me. You have no idea how much that would lift me up. You have no idea.
Tears would run down my face. I question if they would reach out or stand at a distance and question what was wrong.
I don’t want to always rely on myself. I fear that would make me cold
There are those few. They’re the only source of light I can see. I value them beyond belief. Thank you.
I give. Possibly too much. Is it possible to find people that are as considerate?
It is true. Nice guys always finish last. Maybe if i knew what was wrong with me i could change it.
Sometimes people need others to hold their hands. Even if it is for a moment.
The mind can be your best friend and your greatest enemy. Nothing is stronger.
I doubt they have realised they have left. I don’t want to be forgettable.
Fairytale endings. Are they just a fairytale?
I’m over waiting. I can be told a million times that there is nothing wrong with me - are they being honest - or are these just words that are designed to put a smile on my face.
Do I enter the darkness?
It's much deeper than you will ever know
I have a plan.
I stand here completely alone. There is no worse feeling.
The people I thought would be standing next to me are gone - the people that I do have could not comprehend the internal battle inside my mind.
My whole life I have been the rock, now it’s happening, something I thought would never occur. The rock is begging to crack.
I feel lost. I’m attacking myself. This must stop.
I feel I am facing my demons all at once, there strength is unbelievable, I am one person. How can I win?
I feel as though I am standing in the middle of a field, shrouded in darkness, I want someone to care, I want someone to reach out, but how can I expect that when I know the people that are the closest to me turn their backs.
The truth is ...no one can really help, which is scary. They can listen, they can understand, they can sympathise - but they can’t make it go away.
I refuse to talk out loud. I don’t want to be THAT person. I don’t want to be THAT guy with THOSE problems. It makes it harder. I don’t want to be a burden.
I refuse to throw the towel in. Not like them. I know the effects of that. It’s not an option.
I feel like I’m on my knees, cut up, bruised, attacked, ruined, angry, yelling into the darkness.
I’m insecure about myself - its changing - but that process is hard when u have no one. It’s even harder when they tell you it’s silly, useless.
I desire the stereotype. I want someone to focus on me. To care. To go out of there way to prove they care. To move me. Inside.
I want them to express how proud they are. In words
I want them to tell me they love me. It has gotten to the point where I can’t remember the last time I heard them say those words. That wound is deep. You have no idea how much that would mean to me. You have no idea how much that would lift me up. You have no idea.
Tears would run down my face. I question if they would reach out or stand at a distance and question what was wrong.
I don’t want to always rely on myself. I fear that would make me cold
There are those few. They’re the only source of light I can see. I value them beyond belief. Thank you.
I give. Possibly too much. Is it possible to find people that are as considerate?
It is true. Nice guys always finish last. Maybe if i knew what was wrong with me i could change it.
Sometimes people need others to hold their hands. Even if it is for a moment.
The mind can be your best friend and your greatest enemy. Nothing is stronger.
I doubt they have realised they have left. I don’t want to be forgettable.
Fairytale endings. Are they just a fairytale?
I’m over waiting. I can be told a million times that there is nothing wrong with me - are they being honest - or are these just words that are designed to put a smile on my face.
Do I enter the darkness?
It's much deeper than you will ever know
I have a plan.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Crystal Clear
You Tried.
You really did.
YOU used every fibre in your body to salvage something great.
Sarcasm. It’s a funny thing.
You really did.
YOU used every fibre in your body to salvage something great.
Sarcasm. It’s a funny thing.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Just for You
It’s amazing.
It’s amazing how wrong people can be about others.
It’s amazing how misguided one can be when they are emotionally involved with someone.
It’s amazing how stupid someone can feel because they have realised they have completely misunderstood someone they thought they knew.
How dare you. How dare you try and attempt to make me feel responsible for actions of your own. How dare you think that my emotions/feelings/sense of self is something that u can freely play with. How dare YOU!
I went away from everything trying to give you SPACE, if you took that the wrong way that is your problem - not mine. EVERYTHING I have done was aimed towards dealing with our issues in a responsible adult manner, but you have proven to act nothing like an adult, you have done nothing but prove that you act like a stubborn child. Listen careful to this. GROW UP!
Your actions have proved one thing, that everything u said - the promises of friendship, your requests for telling each other everything, your passion for expression - are nothing but a lie, if you were sincere you would have at least tried, but you didn’t. I DID. I ALWAYS DID. Not this time. I tried only for it to be thrown in my face. You know as well as I do, that that particular action could possibly be the biggest insult you could have made.
I wont get an explanation, I won’t even get a response, just like you have been for the past 2 months - you will remain stubborn, silent and ignorant to the fact that you ruined a FRIENDSHIP with your own hands. NO ONE ELSES, not mine, not anyone.
I have stood by you the whole time we knew each other - you know that - yet here we are, the tables have turned and you are nowhere to be found. You wonder why i close myself in a shell, you wonder why it’s so hard to open up - you wanted me to warm to you, for what, so you could prove everything I found difficult with relationships to be true? So you could take that vulnerability and completely destroy it.
If this is based on the last encounter you had with me. Wake up to yourself. It was an issue that simply had NOTHING to do with me, ABSOULTY NOTHING. It was between you and another person. NOT ME. And I refuse to be made to feel guilty over actions that are not my own. In primary school, you are taught that you should take responsibility for your own actions. Ironic isn’t it. Ironic that your supposed to be teaching that.
Its absolutely sucks that you seem to throw meaningful words around like they are nothing. It sucks that the only person that has said that they are falling in love with me breaks, runs, and cracks at the first sign of pressure. I want you to know what I said was completely true. Your words are shrouded in doubt, and that sucks, BIG TIME.
I refuse to sit and think about this. I refuse to cry a single tear over this. I won’t. I can’t.
You talk about your admiration for people who fight for your attention/you - that was a slap in the face - there was NO ONE who fought for your attention as much as I did. You say we couldn’t be together because we lived so far apart, yet here we are, your in a relationship with someone who lives 20 minutes away from me. That must be convenient for you. You say the age difference was an issue. Why did you chase me? Why did you make me like you? To prove that you can let people down? Why do I seem to act and treat situations in a much more mature way than you? You say that we have different goals that we have to achieve. THAT should have nothing to do with a relationship. THAT should be something each respective person SUPPORTS each other with. So if every reason you gave me was a lie than I can only conclude that you didn’t have the balls to be honest with me, and most importantly with yourself.
I don’t regret getting involved with you - it has changed me for the better - I have experienced things that will happen again. With someone who means it.
I’m glad you have found someone that you, and I quote "will spend the rest of my life with" - despite coming to this conclusion 2 weeks after knowing him - I wish you the best - but when the honeymoon period ends, and your left with a reality that you can’t handle/deal with, then maybe you will realise how important a friendship can be. I wish i could say that you won’t let him down too - but history tends to repeat itself. But like I tried to explain to you. this is between US not me and him, therefore (like you should have done) ill drop the issue.
I should have listened to everyone. I should have listened INSTEAD of protesting and enforcing your positive qualities. Every single time it happened. Sticking up for you only made me look stupid and trust me, ill be more open to what people are telling me in the future, rather than being blinded by an illusion.
It pains me that you meant the world to me.
To know that you can put all this down to the notion of simply "not bothered for this" is pathetic, a joke even, when u look back, when you REALLY look back and see how hard i tried to salvage things, you will realise how selfish you sound. If you need proof - read that letter i sent you for your birthday. The thought of that only infuriates me because i still mean what i wrote in it.
i told you not to say those words unless you meant it. how foolish can you be if u mistook love for affection. Making that mistake more than once in your life will cost you more than you imagine. That’s not my problem.
How DARE YOU simply compare me to some silly teenager who has no understanding of their emotional wellbeing? How dare you compare me to someone that is recognised for there immaturity. YOU know better. YOU coped out. YOU let me down. Who is acting like the child? The one who fought to save something or the one who "can’t be bothered" and shows stubborn qualities. What you said was nothing but a cheap shot, and it seems that cheap shots are your solution to not facing the real problem.
Because u simply don’t care, does not mean I’m meaningless, and I refuse to feel that way. Be extremely careful with words - there impacts can be far beyond what you can comprehend.
I don’t know if this whole thing is a result of your insecurities, but if the realisation and desire you have to kiss me WHILE your with the person your prepared to "spend the rest of your life with" is too much for you to handle - than again - that’s not my problem - if you for ONE SECOND thought that I would just be someone you could turn to for "fun" - that makes you look like an idiot. To have that desire can’t be healthy for what you already have, can it? - And you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.
I would not have even gotten an answer out of you if I did not make the first move. if I had not asked you to explain I would still be sitting here oblivious and questioning what the fuck happened. So while this silly "teenager" has proven to be more man than you, he has also gotten closure. Something that will preserve and slowly repair his mentality.
if I seen you on the street, i would not hesitate to say hi, because I’m above the childish issues that YOUR having, but as you wished, we can take the easy way out, because we wouldn’t want you to have to care - that would just be too hard, right? - We will do what YOU requested and part ways.
Let me give you some advice
When you apologise to someone, don’t follow it up with a sentence that still implies u don’t care, it’s a contradiction. However I accept it.
THINK LONG and HARD about what happened, think about how you took the tiniest issue and used it as an excuse to get out. Think about how you could not recognise the efforts of others, but rather focused on yourself. Think about how u speaksto people; think about the words you use.
I have done my thinking.
I’m going to leave this situation a much bigger person.
I’m done.
It’s amazing how wrong people can be about others.
It’s amazing how misguided one can be when they are emotionally involved with someone.
It’s amazing how stupid someone can feel because they have realised they have completely misunderstood someone they thought they knew.
How dare you. How dare you try and attempt to make me feel responsible for actions of your own. How dare you think that my emotions/feelings/sense of self is something that u can freely play with. How dare YOU!
I went away from everything trying to give you SPACE, if you took that the wrong way that is your problem - not mine. EVERYTHING I have done was aimed towards dealing with our issues in a responsible adult manner, but you have proven to act nothing like an adult, you have done nothing but prove that you act like a stubborn child. Listen careful to this. GROW UP!
Your actions have proved one thing, that everything u said - the promises of friendship, your requests for telling each other everything, your passion for expression - are nothing but a lie, if you were sincere you would have at least tried, but you didn’t. I DID. I ALWAYS DID. Not this time. I tried only for it to be thrown in my face. You know as well as I do, that that particular action could possibly be the biggest insult you could have made.
I wont get an explanation, I won’t even get a response, just like you have been for the past 2 months - you will remain stubborn, silent and ignorant to the fact that you ruined a FRIENDSHIP with your own hands. NO ONE ELSES, not mine, not anyone.
I have stood by you the whole time we knew each other - you know that - yet here we are, the tables have turned and you are nowhere to be found. You wonder why i close myself in a shell, you wonder why it’s so hard to open up - you wanted me to warm to you, for what, so you could prove everything I found difficult with relationships to be true? So you could take that vulnerability and completely destroy it.
If this is based on the last encounter you had with me. Wake up to yourself. It was an issue that simply had NOTHING to do with me, ABSOULTY NOTHING. It was between you and another person. NOT ME. And I refuse to be made to feel guilty over actions that are not my own. In primary school, you are taught that you should take responsibility for your own actions. Ironic isn’t it. Ironic that your supposed to be teaching that.
Its absolutely sucks that you seem to throw meaningful words around like they are nothing. It sucks that the only person that has said that they are falling in love with me breaks, runs, and cracks at the first sign of pressure. I want you to know what I said was completely true. Your words are shrouded in doubt, and that sucks, BIG TIME.
I refuse to sit and think about this. I refuse to cry a single tear over this. I won’t. I can’t.
You talk about your admiration for people who fight for your attention/you - that was a slap in the face - there was NO ONE who fought for your attention as much as I did. You say we couldn’t be together because we lived so far apart, yet here we are, your in a relationship with someone who lives 20 minutes away from me. That must be convenient for you. You say the age difference was an issue. Why did you chase me? Why did you make me like you? To prove that you can let people down? Why do I seem to act and treat situations in a much more mature way than you? You say that we have different goals that we have to achieve. THAT should have nothing to do with a relationship. THAT should be something each respective person SUPPORTS each other with. So if every reason you gave me was a lie than I can only conclude that you didn’t have the balls to be honest with me, and most importantly with yourself.
I don’t regret getting involved with you - it has changed me for the better - I have experienced things that will happen again. With someone who means it.
I’m glad you have found someone that you, and I quote "will spend the rest of my life with" - despite coming to this conclusion 2 weeks after knowing him - I wish you the best - but when the honeymoon period ends, and your left with a reality that you can’t handle/deal with, then maybe you will realise how important a friendship can be. I wish i could say that you won’t let him down too - but history tends to repeat itself. But like I tried to explain to you. this is between US not me and him, therefore (like you should have done) ill drop the issue.
I should have listened to everyone. I should have listened INSTEAD of protesting and enforcing your positive qualities. Every single time it happened. Sticking up for you only made me look stupid and trust me, ill be more open to what people are telling me in the future, rather than being blinded by an illusion.
It pains me that you meant the world to me.
To know that you can put all this down to the notion of simply "not bothered for this" is pathetic, a joke even, when u look back, when you REALLY look back and see how hard i tried to salvage things, you will realise how selfish you sound. If you need proof - read that letter i sent you for your birthday. The thought of that only infuriates me because i still mean what i wrote in it.
i told you not to say those words unless you meant it. how foolish can you be if u mistook love for affection. Making that mistake more than once in your life will cost you more than you imagine. That’s not my problem.
How DARE YOU simply compare me to some silly teenager who has no understanding of their emotional wellbeing? How dare you compare me to someone that is recognised for there immaturity. YOU know better. YOU coped out. YOU let me down. Who is acting like the child? The one who fought to save something or the one who "can’t be bothered" and shows stubborn qualities. What you said was nothing but a cheap shot, and it seems that cheap shots are your solution to not facing the real problem.
Because u simply don’t care, does not mean I’m meaningless, and I refuse to feel that way. Be extremely careful with words - there impacts can be far beyond what you can comprehend.
I don’t know if this whole thing is a result of your insecurities, but if the realisation and desire you have to kiss me WHILE your with the person your prepared to "spend the rest of your life with" is too much for you to handle - than again - that’s not my problem - if you for ONE SECOND thought that I would just be someone you could turn to for "fun" - that makes you look like an idiot. To have that desire can’t be healthy for what you already have, can it? - And you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.
I would not have even gotten an answer out of you if I did not make the first move. if I had not asked you to explain I would still be sitting here oblivious and questioning what the fuck happened. So while this silly "teenager" has proven to be more man than you, he has also gotten closure. Something that will preserve and slowly repair his mentality.
if I seen you on the street, i would not hesitate to say hi, because I’m above the childish issues that YOUR having, but as you wished, we can take the easy way out, because we wouldn’t want you to have to care - that would just be too hard, right? - We will do what YOU requested and part ways.
Let me give you some advice
When you apologise to someone, don’t follow it up with a sentence that still implies u don’t care, it’s a contradiction. However I accept it.
THINK LONG and HARD about what happened, think about how you took the tiniest issue and used it as an excuse to get out. Think about how you could not recognise the efforts of others, but rather focused on yourself. Think about how u speaksto people; think about the words you use.
I have done my thinking.
I’m going to leave this situation a much bigger person.
I’m done.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
I will gathering rocks to throw at you!
Sooo my mother and her crazy ethnic values seems to be incresingly shining through as of late. She has continued to accuse me of haveing an eating disorder..yes mum..im eating healthy food therefore the ONLY explanation of that must mean i have an eating disorder. Shes a VERY funny women, in fact i think she thinks that she is the godmother typed figure in our family community. When i say godmother im not talking about that lovely lady in that fairytale that i cant seem to rember, but the female version of that marfia guy from the movie "the godfather".. i think his name was the godfather..*awkward silence*
ANYWAY... so because im takeing care of myself she decides to test me.. she calls me down for dinner and i already know were haveing fish, usually when she prepares fish, she usually puts some aside and grills them, but NOOO, not this time, she thought she would be smart and fry everything for dinner, its been so long since iv had alot of fried food at once and im pretty sure i would jsut be sick if i did.
so i come down stares and i see the table full of fried goods, she looks at me, i stare back at her and we both knew what she was playing at, she sat at that table with her arms crossed like she was the "godmother" and was sublimily saying "yea what the fuck are u going to do about this"
needless to say we argued. and i diddent eat. lol
i should have proably stated at the begging of this that this post has no point really -i jsut felt that i needed to update something
i think i need a good few nights of meeting old friends and going out - im feeling VERY energetic right now
i feel that this post is too short so im going to fill it up with random -non - making sense kind of things until im happy with its length :-D
here is some pictures of men that i find desireing - oh god i need to get some soon or im gonna die haha
ahhh im not bothered posting more hahaha
im also not bothered to spell check anything
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Confucius Say
I stumbled across a saying that is totally true right now
"Im old enough to know, but young enough not to care"
"Im old enough to know, but young enough not to care"
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Lets Not Wang Chung Tonight
I keep neglecting this thing but i think its time for another serious one..damn it..YES I NEED TO VENT ONCE AGAIN... i promise ill do something funny/positive soon
but unfortunately ..iv been left with my thoughts..yep..just ME and my THOUGHTS...
i dont know what it is about this holiday period..ESPECIALLY the last couple of nights, iv been amazing during the day but when it comes close to the evening ..i just feel..really strange.
its like and awkward, uncomfortable loneliness or boredom - i cant seem to decide what it is.. but its strange.
what i have been meaning to do is to create like an anonymous expression - if that makes any sense hahaha, let me explain, basically u choose a certain number of friends and u anonymously Wright about them, no names, nothing - seeing as im board ill do that now.
ok so Number 1.
You have to be one of the coolest, most intriguing individuals i know, and i say that with no reservations or doubt in my mind, i think u are indeed one of a kind. It took me a while to begin to grasp the type of person u are, and still now i get confused about the things u say haha, but i secretly hide that confusion because i think it makes me look cooler in front of you. I know growing up people may have misunderstood you, but your the exact kind of person i would make friends with, and im happy i have, i love your attitude, your humour, and your enthusiasm to just do things, i guess u can be called inspirational hahaha but i think if people took the time to stop and discover that you would be one VERY popular guy, im SO glad i took the time to get to know you. I suspect your the type of person that doesn’t like to get too deep or express a lot of inner feelings, and i think that’s why i get a little confused about where i stand from your point of view, but that’s ok, because i see it as another thing i can eventually learn about u. I probably already touched on this, but really, u have to be one of the funniest guys iv ever chatted to :-)
Number 2.
Oh where the hell do i even start with you, it will probably be a long time till you actually read this, and by the time you do i pray to god that everything between us will be more than perfect, again that’s a gamble that I’m going to have to take, but deep down, i secretly think that everything will turn out ok. You have absolutely been there for me every time i have felt down, every time iv felt high (NO NOT THAT KIND OF HIGH) lol and just there in general. YOU are one of my closest friends and i think you absolutely AMAZING, there are a million people in this world that will never ever be able to experience the kind of happiness that you can give someone and im going to be selfish and say i don’t give a fuck, iv experienced it and i love it, and im REALLY glad i know its there. If you are reading this, then i apologise for ever being nasty (in a fun way) and more than likely im still being a prick lol but i think its something awesome, because were so comfortable with each other we know never ever to take it to heart, this is probably the softest side you will ever see of me - so cherish it haha, if no one else is proud of you - i am :-)
i love you to death - but in saying that, man you can be annoying hahahaha i think iv worked out how to achieve the exact amount of you i can handle and everything will be ok - in true fashion of our extremely unique relationship i want you to know this - im wrighting your section on the toilet lol - and im loving every second of it. :-P. There are alot of people or dont understand the kind of person you are, and im glad i do. Your randomness, your drive to do what you like is what im in love with. Dont change. EVA! :-)
Number 3.
BOY am i glad i got to know you. I have to say this....
YOU
ARE
AMAZING
in my opinion, we have become such close friends in just over a year, i love listening to your problems, i love giving you advice, i love having someone there that i can share my experiences with and i think that to an extent that you feel the same. i cant get over how good of a guy you have been to me and all you have done is just listen. secretly you motivate me, you make me want to live a healthy lifestyle, u make me want to make others live a healthy lifestyle and that’s such a good thing seeing as your career will sort of be based on that. Its working, and i would imagine there is no better feeling than knowing that your achieving EXACTLY what you want to achieve. I don’t think you should ever doubt yourself, not for a second, because there are a million people on this earth that would absolutely die to be in your position, and i mean that in a positive way. YOU are one of VERY FEW PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD that have the ability to keep my attention on the basis of personality alone, your bestie is the same and im glad i have the opportunity to get to know the both of you. Im willing to gamble that where going to be friends for many years to come - i want to say i am SO glad/thankful/happy that i get to spend time with you now. :-). You are indeed great value. I consider u family, its unbelivable how much you have actually made me grow up. I like it, love it even. keep doing what your doing :-)
Number 4.
YOU *points*
ahh.. you can be silly sometimes, but i forgive you, we have a mutual banter between both of us and i love it, i think sometimes we both do the wrong things to each other, but we get over it and we continue on our way, i admire alot of things about you, but especially your passion, you have drive, and i love it, i don’t admire passion alot, but there is something about you that makes me want to stick around :-), ur special to me, and im trying to work out how i can distinguish you from the rest but i cant, because everyone i listed is on the same level, and trust me when i say this, that level is incredibly high. (does that even make sense lol), i understand the kind of lifestyle you lead, i think sometimes you can be forgetful, and im not sure if u can read into me properly - but for the most part - im so happy i know you, i really am, you make me fill good, and im glad iv got someone like you around. if i could i would hug u right now :-)
Number 5. -
I have to be honest with you. Im proud, amazed, shocked, discusted, and a little worried about you. I know you better than anyone one, i know your thoughts, what turns you on, what makes you laugh. I KNOW YOU. Im amazed at how much u have changed, im proud that u have turned into someone mature and able to handle an abnormal amount of stress, i love how you have an amazing balance of maturity and immaturity, BUT I HATE how u can screw alot of simple things up, i hate how you can be unmotivated when it counts i hate the fact that i hate things about you, because i shouldn’t, and i think its time that changed, there are days where i secretly love you, and then there are days where i get so annoyed at you, but i dont let people know. Naturally i want nothing more than for you to be happy, and i think its amazing how outgoing you can be, despite not receiving a whole bunch in return. I think i hold a lot of things against you and for that im sorry, i don’t mean to and i think its time i stopped doing that. Im proud of where you are today and i know you will be happy where ever you end up. :-)
Im sorry, from here on it can only get better right?
Ok so this was interesting, BUT it helped hahaha
im amazed at how deep i can be..ew.. lol
anyways i think this has gone on long enough
PEACE OUT MOTHER FUCKERS!
but unfortunately ..iv been left with my thoughts..yep..just ME and my THOUGHTS...
i dont know what it is about this holiday period..ESPECIALLY the last couple of nights, iv been amazing during the day but when it comes close to the evening ..i just feel..really strange.
its like and awkward, uncomfortable loneliness or boredom - i cant seem to decide what it is.. but its strange.
what i have been meaning to do is to create like an anonymous expression - if that makes any sense hahaha, let me explain, basically u choose a certain number of friends and u anonymously Wright about them, no names, nothing - seeing as im board ill do that now.
ok so Number 1.
You have to be one of the coolest, most intriguing individuals i know, and i say that with no reservations or doubt in my mind, i think u are indeed one of a kind. It took me a while to begin to grasp the type of person u are, and still now i get confused about the things u say haha, but i secretly hide that confusion because i think it makes me look cooler in front of you. I know growing up people may have misunderstood you, but your the exact kind of person i would make friends with, and im happy i have, i love your attitude, your humour, and your enthusiasm to just do things, i guess u can be called inspirational hahaha but i think if people took the time to stop and discover that you would be one VERY popular guy, im SO glad i took the time to get to know you. I suspect your the type of person that doesn’t like to get too deep or express a lot of inner feelings, and i think that’s why i get a little confused about where i stand from your point of view, but that’s ok, because i see it as another thing i can eventually learn about u. I probably already touched on this, but really, u have to be one of the funniest guys iv ever chatted to :-)
Number 2.
Oh where the hell do i even start with you, it will probably be a long time till you actually read this, and by the time you do i pray to god that everything between us will be more than perfect, again that’s a gamble that I’m going to have to take, but deep down, i secretly think that everything will turn out ok. You have absolutely been there for me every time i have felt down, every time iv felt high (NO NOT THAT KIND OF HIGH) lol and just there in general. YOU are one of my closest friends and i think you absolutely AMAZING, there are a million people in this world that will never ever be able to experience the kind of happiness that you can give someone and im going to be selfish and say i don’t give a fuck, iv experienced it and i love it, and im REALLY glad i know its there. If you are reading this, then i apologise for ever being nasty (in a fun way) and more than likely im still being a prick lol but i think its something awesome, because were so comfortable with each other we know never ever to take it to heart, this is probably the softest side you will ever see of me - so cherish it haha, if no one else is proud of you - i am :-)
i love you to death - but in saying that, man you can be annoying hahahaha i think iv worked out how to achieve the exact amount of you i can handle and everything will be ok - in true fashion of our extremely unique relationship i want you to know this - im wrighting your section on the toilet lol - and im loving every second of it. :-P. There are alot of people or dont understand the kind of person you are, and im glad i do. Your randomness, your drive to do what you like is what im in love with. Dont change. EVA! :-)
Number 3.
BOY am i glad i got to know you. I have to say this....
YOU
ARE
AMAZING
in my opinion, we have become such close friends in just over a year, i love listening to your problems, i love giving you advice, i love having someone there that i can share my experiences with and i think that to an extent that you feel the same. i cant get over how good of a guy you have been to me and all you have done is just listen. secretly you motivate me, you make me want to live a healthy lifestyle, u make me want to make others live a healthy lifestyle and that’s such a good thing seeing as your career will sort of be based on that. Its working, and i would imagine there is no better feeling than knowing that your achieving EXACTLY what you want to achieve. I don’t think you should ever doubt yourself, not for a second, because there are a million people on this earth that would absolutely die to be in your position, and i mean that in a positive way. YOU are one of VERY FEW PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD that have the ability to keep my attention on the basis of personality alone, your bestie is the same and im glad i have the opportunity to get to know the both of you. Im willing to gamble that where going to be friends for many years to come - i want to say i am SO glad/thankful/happy that i get to spend time with you now. :-). You are indeed great value. I consider u family, its unbelivable how much you have actually made me grow up. I like it, love it even. keep doing what your doing :-)
Number 4.
YOU *points*
ahh.. you can be silly sometimes, but i forgive you, we have a mutual banter between both of us and i love it, i think sometimes we both do the wrong things to each other, but we get over it and we continue on our way, i admire alot of things about you, but especially your passion, you have drive, and i love it, i don’t admire passion alot, but there is something about you that makes me want to stick around :-), ur special to me, and im trying to work out how i can distinguish you from the rest but i cant, because everyone i listed is on the same level, and trust me when i say this, that level is incredibly high. (does that even make sense lol), i understand the kind of lifestyle you lead, i think sometimes you can be forgetful, and im not sure if u can read into me properly - but for the most part - im so happy i know you, i really am, you make me fill good, and im glad iv got someone like you around. if i could i would hug u right now :-)
Number 5. -
I have to be honest with you. Im proud, amazed, shocked, discusted, and a little worried about you. I know you better than anyone one, i know your thoughts, what turns you on, what makes you laugh. I KNOW YOU. Im amazed at how much u have changed, im proud that u have turned into someone mature and able to handle an abnormal amount of stress, i love how you have an amazing balance of maturity and immaturity, BUT I HATE how u can screw alot of simple things up, i hate how you can be unmotivated when it counts i hate the fact that i hate things about you, because i shouldn’t, and i think its time that changed, there are days where i secretly love you, and then there are days where i get so annoyed at you, but i dont let people know. Naturally i want nothing more than for you to be happy, and i think its amazing how outgoing you can be, despite not receiving a whole bunch in return. I think i hold a lot of things against you and for that im sorry, i don’t mean to and i think its time i stopped doing that. Im proud of where you are today and i know you will be happy where ever you end up. :-)
Im sorry, from here on it can only get better right?
Ok so this was interesting, BUT it helped hahaha
im amazed at how deep i can be..ew.. lol
anyways i think this has gone on long enough
PEACE OUT MOTHER FUCKERS!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
HERES JOHNNY!
IM BACK!
It’s been a while since the last time i actually wrote anything and i promise..its been for VERY VERY GOOD REASONS..
ok iv been lazy..don’t judge me ..haha
So quite a bit has happened since the last time i was actually here.. new year..Christmas..Updates on Kyle..and a burned down house..FUN! lol
sooo lets start with the holidays
they were..predictable .. (i should probably warn u that I’m extremely exhausted right now and ill probably end up drifting off somewhere)
I celebrated Christmas eve with the family.. it was ok until my auntie (arah she so annoying..she has toes like shriek..and she’s KEEN on wearing open shoes ...every time i see her I’m like GURL ARE U TRIPPIN..in my mind of course.. if i said that out loud she would probably have a heart attack lol.. it reminds me of that time when i was like 5 and i called her a beast, it was so funny, she bitched about it for years haha.) Anyway this auntie sneezed in me and made me sick
i woke up to a fucken AWSOME new tv though haha MEERY CHRISTMAS TO ME!!
ahh actual Christmas day was fun.. u know that bitch sister i mentioned, if i haven’t ill do it, she ended up coming in my room, laying on my bed, and kicking me in the ribs....but don’t worry i bit her so now were even lol
its the classic Christmas day -siblings violently hurting each other HAHA
new years was alright i guess..i was in a club - missed what was supposed to be the best fireworks ever and got drunk GO THE NEW YEAR!!
now kyle..oh where the hell do i begin..what the hell do i say hmm
ok..so were not so much on anymore..and its weird..Because every time i think i about it it makes me miss it a little more - but i guess that’s normal, well at least i hope it is. The last discussion we had about it was over breakfast, it was his decision i guess and i guess untimely he diddent feel the same way. i defiantly fought for it but then eventually realised there is no point making a jackass out of myself.
im very hesitant to label what we had just because i guess I’m confused about it
hes actually moved on ....TWICE!!!! lol - im not sure EXACTLY how i feel about the whole thing, don’t get me wrong, i defiantly want him to be happy. But at the same time i think he talks about these new guys he can be completely oblivious to how it comes off.
there are extraordinarily deep feelings i have about the whole thing and i guess i hold back just to keep the piece - it extremely hard to explain just how i feel about it - its like a mix of me wanting him to have it but at the same time i want to still be acknowledged - i dunno to me not even that sounded right.
however its now been months ..in fact AGES since it happened and were firmly good mates..even though i get ignored sometimes!!! - without sounding like a little arrogant 18 year old prick i think there are a lot of things he can still learn about the whole thing - but again its in the past.
its hard to explain the things that happened without making him seem like the bad guy - and i dont want to be THAT person that paints someone a particular way (unless im totally bitching about them..then its ok ..duh)
i could literally talk about him for days, just because i guess hes been the first real guy that’s liked be back "in that way", i could be alot of things in relation to this WHOLE issue, i could be totally sour and bitch about him to the cows come home, and that little bastard part of me does want to sometimes, but i want to just leave it.
there are also 2 INCREDIBLY AWSOME friends that i have that have been nothing short of ..well...awesome hahaha but ill mention them some other time.
thats pretty much all that’s been happening since the last post - well all i can remember anyway haha
peace out mother fuckers
xox
It’s been a while since the last time i actually wrote anything and i promise..its been for VERY VERY GOOD REASONS..
ok iv been lazy..don’t judge me ..haha
So quite a bit has happened since the last time i was actually here.. new year..Christmas..Updates on Kyle..and a burned down house..FUN! lol
sooo lets start with the holidays
they were..predictable .. (i should probably warn u that I’m extremely exhausted right now and ill probably end up drifting off somewhere)
I celebrated Christmas eve with the family.. it was ok until my auntie (arah she so annoying..she has toes like shriek..and she’s KEEN on wearing open shoes ...every time i see her I’m like GURL ARE U TRIPPIN..in my mind of course.. if i said that out loud she would probably have a heart attack lol.. it reminds me of that time when i was like 5 and i called her a beast, it was so funny, she bitched about it for years haha.) Anyway this auntie sneezed in me and made me sick
i woke up to a fucken AWSOME new tv though haha MEERY CHRISTMAS TO ME!!
ahh actual Christmas day was fun.. u know that bitch sister i mentioned, if i haven’t ill do it, she ended up coming in my room, laying on my bed, and kicking me in the ribs....but don’t worry i bit her so now were even lol
its the classic Christmas day -siblings violently hurting each other HAHA
new years was alright i guess..i was in a club - missed what was supposed to be the best fireworks ever and got drunk GO THE NEW YEAR!!
now kyle..oh where the hell do i begin..what the hell do i say hmm
ok..so were not so much on anymore..and its weird..Because every time i think i about it it makes me miss it a little more - but i guess that’s normal, well at least i hope it is. The last discussion we had about it was over breakfast, it was his decision i guess and i guess untimely he diddent feel the same way. i defiantly fought for it but then eventually realised there is no point making a jackass out of myself.
im very hesitant to label what we had just because i guess I’m confused about it
hes actually moved on ....TWICE!!!! lol - im not sure EXACTLY how i feel about the whole thing, don’t get me wrong, i defiantly want him to be happy. But at the same time i think he talks about these new guys he can be completely oblivious to how it comes off.
there are extraordinarily deep feelings i have about the whole thing and i guess i hold back just to keep the piece - it extremely hard to explain just how i feel about it - its like a mix of me wanting him to have it but at the same time i want to still be acknowledged - i dunno to me not even that sounded right.
however its now been months ..in fact AGES since it happened and were firmly good mates..even though i get ignored sometimes!!! - without sounding like a little arrogant 18 year old prick i think there are a lot of things he can still learn about the whole thing - but again its in the past.
its hard to explain the things that happened without making him seem like the bad guy - and i dont want to be THAT person that paints someone a particular way (unless im totally bitching about them..then its ok ..duh)
i could literally talk about him for days, just because i guess hes been the first real guy that’s liked be back "in that way", i could be alot of things in relation to this WHOLE issue, i could be totally sour and bitch about him to the cows come home, and that little bastard part of me does want to sometimes, but i want to just leave it.
there are also 2 INCREDIBLY AWSOME friends that i have that have been nothing short of ..well...awesome hahaha but ill mention them some other time.
thats pretty much all that’s been happening since the last post - well all i can remember anyway haha
peace out mother fuckers
xox
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